week 9 training recap

Miles run: 32

We had to put our dog down on Tuesday of this week.  It was the hardest, most unfair decision I’ve ever had to be a part of, and I’m (we are) heartbroken.  He gets a separate post tomorrow for his Gotcha Day, so I’m going to focus on my training this past week. Somehow, some way, 99% of my runs were completed when all I wanted to do was remain in bed, crying.

What was planned:

Tuesday: 5

Thursday: 5

Saturday: 16

Sunday: 7

What got done:

Tuesday:  I called out of work and spent the day at home with Jackson.  I wasn’t sure if I would get this run done, but I knew I wasn’t doing it before his appointment because I wanted to spend all the time possible with him.  After the appointment (we’ll call it that), my husband and I came home to an empty house, completely devastated, heartbroken, and bothered by how empty and quiet the house felt (and remains).  I invited him to join me on my 5 miles, acknowledging it might be a run/hike situation depending on how crappy I physically felt.  He took me up on the offer, and we ran down to the trail by our house.  We DoorDashed pizza afterward for comfort, naturally.   

Thursday: I went to Valley Forge to complete my 5 planned.   It didn’t feel exceptional, but it didn’t feel necessarily terrible.  It was just time on feet in the woods. I took my time, not overly eager to be finished. Having no obligation to return home to is a strange feeling. I've always rushed home after runs to see my dog and take a post-run snuggle nap together.

Saturday:  I was actually so excited for this long run. On Friday, I decided to head to Blue Marsh and spice things up from always being at Valley Forge.  I arrived before 6 AM and sat in the parking lot, waiting for it to get a little bit lighter because, you know, a female running solo in the woods is how most news headlines start these days.  The run started decent.  I wouldn’t say it was great, but it felt manageable.  I was enjoying the new scenery and unfamiliarity of the trail.  I began to get harassed by a horse fly - literally, full-on harassment from one solo fly for 2 miles.  It would come and go, but when it came at me, it went for my face, neck, ears, and legs.  It got me on my back and a few times on my leg.  I was flailing my arms up and down everywhere on the trail, trying to discourage it or at least severely injure it by hitting it.  I hit a little over 3 miles before I decided to turn around and try a less wooded trail, hoping to lose this bugger.

As I headed back, things just started to get hard.  I was really looking forward to this run, and the energy that fly took from me, no matter how dramatic it sounds or how dumb it was, really drained me and distracted me.  I started on the trail on the opposite side of the parking lot from my car and quickly realized this wouldn’t make anything better, either.  I was doing more walking than running at this point because my body just felt overwhelmed and overcome by sadness.

These days, all you see on social media and hear are the run influencers pushing the concept of how “weak it is to quit.” You gotta dig deeper and push through it.  No off days.  All that shit.  It’s everywhere, and if it works for you, great. But for me, it doesn't.  

I think sometimes the strongest thing you can do is to quit. (Not forever quitting, just calling it quits for the day... so maybe we'll call it "pausing").  I vividly remember my first long run 4 days after my mom died.  It was also 16 miles, and it was also horrible.  I cried the second half of it, on and off, and the entire last mile.  (Hitting that long run was completely optional, and I felt no pressure from anyone, including my coach, to get it done.  I just wanted to try, and mostly, I wanted to be alone.)  While I had high hopes for this 16, I’m also not surprised it didn’t go as well.  I remember a friend telling me that my body is carrying more than usual right now, it’s carrying the weight of grief and that was just when my mom had died.  I’m sad; there’s no hiding it, and while I promise you I am looking to find the joy(s) in each day, I’m more sad than happy, and I just want a break from the sadness.

So - as I walked back to my car, only hitting 7 for the day, all of these thoughts were running through my mind.

My ego.  It is big.  I’m a Capricorn, after all.

My grit.

My resilience and perseverance.

All of these qualities that I love about myself were screaming on the inside at me.

You suck. You’re weak.  You’re a joke.

And maybe I could’ve gotten through this today, but I also know extra rest, extra sleep, and time to process and grieve heals, too.  And can make me stronger.   So I packed up my stuff and drove the 40+ minutes home.  I got home, dropped my gear, and crawled into bed.  I slept for 4+ hours.  My husband made me get out of bed for lunch… we ate, and then I crawled back into bed.  He asked, “Is there anything I can do to help you get out of this?” I said, “Nope. It’s all on me”.   To my dismay, we ran a few errands together because my family was coming over for dinner later that night, and when I was standing outside, watching some mockingbirds, a cool breeze hit me.  I got a second wind and wave of inspiration and decided to attempt round 2 of this long run.

I’m not a 2-run-a-day gal because let’s face it, I’m not on that level and most likely will never be but I will not go down without a fight so I put a new outfit on, laced back up and headed out.  Maybe it was the extra sleep; it certainly was not the homemade taco bowl I had for lunch with Siete’s black refried beans, but I was able to squeeze out another 7 miles, totaling 14 for the day of the 16 planned.

Sunday: I fought my alarm clock majorly this morning. I had a work meeting at 8 AM, so I had to finish my final run before that because I was not getting these miles in after work tonight. I got to the trail around 6:15 as it was getting light and began. My legs were tired, as to be expected, but I pushed through. I was worried I would only get 6 done, but I did my math wrong and had just the right amount of time to squeeze in the last mile, hitting my 7 planned.

I have nothing insightful to end this recap with. All I can say is I hope this week is better (I'm sounding like a broken record at this point, huh?).