2024

Surrounded by everyone’s year-end highlights, I naturally reflect on my 2024.

But it feels like I had more lows than highs this year.

2024 was a challenging year.   After my Mom died in October (of 2023), I got through November and December on pure survival.  The aftermath of what happened didn’t start to hit me until January and into February as we approached our first milestone without her in our life — her birthday (also, Valentine’s Day).

I started antidepressants in December, and they helped.  Almost too much. I stopped feeling things — stopped crying.  I felt okay and normal, and not like I was in my first year of grieving my Mom.  So, I stopped taking them, cold turkey, in the summer (I know that’s not how you’re supposed to do it, but I’m FINE. Read that in Ross Geller's voice, please). I wanted to feel things again and work through my grief on my own, in my own way.

I continue to ride the perpetual rollercoaster of depression, enjoying the peaks when I’m in them and being so confused when I hit a low.  My Mom struggled with depression, and when I was younger, I remember thinking, “Why can’t she just be happy? Why can’t she just fight it?”. Cute, I know, and even funnier and ironic now when I find myself feeling low, I still ask myself, “Why can’t I just fight it?”

I wasn’t sure how to end this post or where I was going with it.  I contemplated listing my highs of 2024 - all of my achievements, because there are a lot, and I am incredibly proud, but as I was getting ready for NYE dinner, I received a voice memo from one of my closest friends, celebrating me hitting 1,000 miles (today— there, I added one achievement).  In this memo, she reminded me of my resiliency, perseverance, and grit.  Of how I showed up this past year when it was hard.  Which is fitting because on January 1 of this year, I saved a piece of digital artwork from instagram that says, “Don’t give up.  You can cuss the whole time, just don’t give up”.

While I'm on the low end of the rollercoaster right now, I also know there’s so much good in my life, and I’m surrounded by so many people who love me and stick with me through it all. I'm grateful for the depth of my strength 2024 showed me. Whether I want to or not, I can do hard things and I can get through hard things.

Cheers to 2025.