Mother's Day

It’s not that this day is harder than any other or more of a reminder that you’re not here.  I have those daily.  And it feels different than your birthday, which is also Valentine’s Day.

It’s another one of those “firsts” this year full of weird firsts without you.  And it’s a day about you, so it feels even more weird for you not to be here.   I made you a mother.  You already were, of course, but you made me a daughter. And you made me who I am today, with so many qualities I love about myself that I got from you.   It’s neat to see how I use mine versus how you used yours.  I use my resiliency, perseverance, grit, and stubbornness to run long distances, among other things.  You used yours to fight cancer twice.

I keep telling myself it’s just a day.  But it’s the first.  And maybe next year, it’ll feel more like a day, but this year, it just feels like a huge hole in my chest.  It feels like envy, watching people plan brunches with their moms.  Listening to gift ideas or helping people find that perfect gift for their mom.  It feels like anger because we didn’t get to do much celebrating over the past two years because you were so sick and tired.  It feels like guilt because I wish we celebrated more. I wish we did more. It feels sad because I miss you.

It’s so weird.  Of all the words in the English dictionary, I keep thinking and saying, “WEIRD”. I am so vividly aware that you’re not here, and yet in a strange moment this week, my brain let its guard down, and I had a moment of panic where I thought, “Oh crap - what am I getting my mom for Mothers Day this year!?” followed by a punch to my gut when the realization hit that you’re not here.   Because even when I dream about you, I’m aware enough in my sleep that you’re no longer physically here. What a cruel slip-up by my brain.

What I love about Mother’s Day is that everyone thinks they have the best mom.  And I’m not here to argue that.  I think it’s a beautiful competition we should always be in.  I saw a quote describing moms as “the person who has done more for you than anyone in the world," and I wholeheartedly agree.

I had the best mom.

Beautiful (that salt and pepper hair).

Loving (to humans and animals of all kinds.  She rescued and nursed a baby raccoon back to health once.  Also, I’ve lost count of how many animals she fostered).

Kind and welcoming (the outpouring of messages I received from my high school friends after her passing, sharing memories of her, is a testament to her nature).

Warm (nothing will ever compare to hugs from my mom).

Patient (at times), nurturing (always).

Knowledgable (how do moms know so much about everything?).

A good cook (the best tacos).

A great day tripper (to our favorite beach, Asbury Park).

A foodie (sushi, seafood, and wine.  Remember, white tastes better together). 

A good listener.

A protector (so loyal.  Another trait I got from her).

A piece of my heart - my first best friend.

Happy heavenly Mother’s Day, Mom.

If there’s wine up there, I hope your glass is full.

We all love and miss you.