Noise

Life lately has felt noisy.

It's overwhelming, but not the overwhelming I’m used to.  Just noisy.  There’s so much in my head that I’m eager to put into words, but I’ve been struggling to bring my thoughts to life.  Today, I realized I’ve been running in silence the past week (if not two weeks), and into this week, desperate for my runs and alone time to let me think and write, but nothing’s happening.  Running has always been where I go to to write, think, and create, and I’m coming up blank lately.  I can't quiet the noise.

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I’ve wanted to run 50 miles for a few years now.

People always ask, "Why?!"

Mainly to know I'm capable of it, especially after years of on-and-off injuries, especially my lower back, where I thought I'd never run again. I wholeheartedly believe it is an honor, a privilege, and a gift to have the ability to choose to do hard things.

When my Mom died, I told myself I’d keep running, and whether the runs felt good or not, they kept me going and moving forward.

When I signed up for my 50, I knew I’d run it in honor of my Mom and fundraise for the Triple Negative Breast Cancer Foundation. The first 50 I was interested in was in May, the day before Mother's Day. I wasn't lit up by the idea of training and running 50 miles at the time and knew I had to be fully committed to the distance and training cycle, so I decided to keep looking. The race I found ended up being planned for October 12, 3 days before the first anniversary of her passing, and I won't say I'm lit up about that, but the timing felt significant.

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I haven’t forgotten about her. I’m reminded of her in so many ways each day, but also every time I set out on my runs.  Anytime I want to complain about a run or how tired I am, I’m reminded of my Mom.  The times I’ve asked myself, “Why am I training for a 50 miler again?” - for my Mom.  50 miles is easy compared to cancer and all the ugliness and heartbreak it brings.

Weirdly, my training over the summer distracted me from my grief because I threw 100% of myself into it (there's something with endurance runners and why we put ourselves through these grueling distances). I was asked how I’m feeling with my Mom’s death anniversary (what else do you call it?) approaching. Truthfully, I hadn’t even thought of it.

And I’m not overly sad (yet), but perhaps that’s just because I’m always a little bit sad each day.