Things I Wish I Could Tell my Mom -

One year without you.

I started this list immediately after I experienced something and wanted to pick up the phone and call you, but I realized I couldn't. I know you're watching over us, but still, I want to share. I hope you and Dad are so proud of the girls you raised. We all have this annoying, helicopter, smothering tendency that we've now shifted to Dad since losing you. I think Jenny and Megan call Dad every day. I'm not sure how often Erika calls, but she checks in with him weekly, and I call him a few times a week. You know I am a little quiet with communication sometimes and need space. Jenny has Dad over for dinner at least once a week, and Dad has continued cooking meals for himself. Some of them are really elaborate, like his gorgeous pork roast. He sends us pictures of what he's eating a few times a week. He's kept feeding the outside birds and lovingly chops carrots for Kiwi every morning. He picks me up from my long training runs, and he's become the family airport taxi. He also transported Jackson to the vet several times since Andrew's old BMWs were awkward for a big dog. He continues to provide for us all and does anything to help all his girls. He really misses you, but he's doing the best he can.

1. October: I became a godparent to Matt and Amanda’s second daughter, Birdie.

2. November: I ran the Philly marathon one month after you passed away. It was so hard.

3. December: Andrew and I went to Asbury Park for my birthday.  We drank champagne on the beach, and I took him to our favorite restaurant, Mr. Shrimp.

4. December: Andrew got me my birthday Barbie ornament. I got two Barbie ornaments this year, but yours from the summer is my all-time favorite.

5. December: I ran over 1,000 miles this year! (2023)

6. January: Stef is pregnant! She's having a girl and naming her Millie May.

7. February: I got my first store opening project. It was for Toni and her new store in Upper Dublin. It was a dream, and I’m so proud of it.

8. March: I ran the Naked Bavarian 20 miler at Blue Marsh Lake. On the trail, this woman running in front of me stopped, took her phone out to take a picture, but turned to me first and said, “Looks like it’s green marsh today!” I laughed because that’s what you always said.

9. March: I signed up for my first 50-miler to run in honor of you.

10. April: Easter was weird without you.

11. April: We went to the lake to see the eclipse. It was surreal. I bet your view was even better.

12. April: I ran my second 50k, one I’ve been dreaming of running for years.

13. April: I started a blog to write about you and my feelings and hopefully help someone else get through tough times and their grief. It’s been therapeutic for me. Sometimes, it feels like all I do is talk about you and be sad, but people have been pretty receptive to it and thank me for writing and sharing.

14. May: My mammogram this year was sad and scary.  The MRI I had to have (in June) for additional screening was even more traumatic.

15. May: I ran a 25k the day before Mother’s Day.  Before the race, I was standing and saw this woman in front of me.  She was slender with short, salt-and-pepper hair.  I thought, “Wow, that’s what my Mom would look like if she ran!”  Right before the race started, she was in front of me again.  She turned her head slightly, and I saw a single dangling dragonfly earring. It felt like a sign from you.

16. May: We planted a garden full of wildflowers for you on Mother’s Day weekend. It was Dad’s idea.  He’d been talking about it for so long and took good care of prepping the space and watering the flowers daily. He also is really good at making bouquets. Who knew?

17. May: The Pathway School created an award in your honor, the Pat Moser Award (“Be Kind to Animals” award), and we all attended the event to celebrate your legacy and kindness, which people still talk about.

18. May: Gracie got married in Martha’s Vineyard in May! She also finished her PhD!

19. July: I found a candle that smells just like you. The first time I smelled it at my friend’s house, it caught me off guard and took my breath away. They let me take it home and bought me two more candles. It’s so comforting to smell you.

20. July: Jackson got really sick in the middle of July.  He deteriorated so rapidly, and in August, we found out he had cancer.  We only had about 2.5 weeks with him — it happened so fast.  There were so many times during those weeks I wished I could talk to you.  Cry to you.  Ask for help, advice, or anything to make it better.

21. August: Instead of being sad, I celebrated and made a "Barbie Day." It was around the anniversary of us seeing the Barbie movie last year. I ordered an obscene amount of sushi, grabbed a bottle of good wine from the Finger Lakes, and re-watched the movie. Andrew joined me. I love that we got to see this movie together. A movie about [badass] women, beauty (inside and out), empowerment, and being strong. Everything you were.

22. August: Andrew and I “celebrated” our 6th wedding anniversary, although it was a pretty sad weekend as it was our last with Jackson, and the rapid decline of his health was weighing really heavy on us.

23. August: We had to put Jackson down on August 13. I’m still crying over it as I write this. As I hugged him, one of the last things I said to him was, “Go find MomMom and tell her I love her.” When we left the vet, a dragonfly hovered over my car. I’d like to think that it was you and that you guys found each other that quickly.

24. August: Andrew made up for our crappy anniversary weekend and took me to Hershey, where I got to hold hawks!

25. September: We had Stef’s baby shower at her house in Virginia. 

26. September: We adopted not one but two greyhounds, Elton and Blossom. You would love both of them, but I think you’d be absolutely smitten with Blossom. They both have qualities similar to Jackson — I think he specifically picked them out for us.

27. September: Speaking of dogs, Elton shares a birthday with Dad. He turned 5 the weekend we got him. We celebrated Dad's 74th birthday at Jenny's with cheesesteaks and almost all of the family, including his sisters. Erika couldn't fly home for it, but she's coming home for an entire week in October.

28. September: Sean and Susie rescued a kitten outside their house. They named him Tony Rigatoni Regan. He's grey with little white boots and is so precious. The day after she decided to keep him, I channeled my inner you and texted her around 6 AM, telling her she needed to get him to a vet ASAP to ensure he wasn't sick or had fleas. She got him an appointment the following day, and all is well.

29. October: On October 12, I ran my first 50-mile race in honor of you. It ended up being 53.49, and Jenny is still very annoyed about that course miscalculation. My sisters texted me throughout the day, checking in, and were in constant communication with Andrew. Even Aunt Karen was kept in the loop (she was really worried about me). This was the hardest thing I've ever done, and I am so honored to have done it for you. We raised $8,500 for the TNBC Foundation to help fund research for this rare disease.

Mom — I was scared of who I'd be without you and how I'd react. I thought my first instinct would be to curl up in a ball and want to die, but it wasn't. Instead, I persevered and kept going. I hope you're proud of the person I became this past year in your absence. I still wear your gold wedding band daily. I get many compliments on it, and it always makes me smile. Not a day goes by when I don't think of you or miss you. I love you "to the moon and back."